How To spot Fake help

And what you can do when it washes up.

Two kinds of people help you move in. The first kind lifts furniture. Or at least they carry a few boxes upstairs. Beware the second kind. They show up to drink your booze and share crime stats from your new zip code. Boy, you sure did pick a bad neighborhood.

You really should’ve come to them for advice first.

Also, why did you pick today to move in? It’s sooo hot outside. You’re going to dehydrate and pass out.

You might even die from heatstroke.

So helpful. Obviously, you can just pack everything back up into the giant truck and drive around with your wise friend all weekend, looking at apartments you can’t afford. Sounds like a blast.

Don’t worry, the second kind of help doesn’t actually want to do that. They just saw a chance to make you feel like shit.

A lot of people use help as an excuse to do exactly that. Make you feel like shit. Why? Because making people feel like shit on purpose is socially unacceptable. You can’t approach it head on. I’ve tried. You have to claim you’re doing something else, and help always fools people.

Help manifests in lots of ways.

Some of your friends and family offer real help. Others are angling at something else, even if they don’t know it.

Not everyone who offers help actually intends to follow through. Shocking, I know. It’s the kind of truth you always kinda knew, but never wanted to believe. So you kept letting people help you.

When in fact, you were better off on your own.

So much better off.

So let’s consider all the traps that come in the disguise of help, and how to avoid them. This is going to be fun.

Help that comes with puppet strings.

Sure, they’ll help. By that they mean tell you everything you’re doing wrong. Here’s what you should do instead. Why? Because they know everything. They won’t say that. It’s just what they’re thinking.

Their arrogance has become white noise to them.

They don’t hear it anymore.

No kind of genuine help tries to dictate your every move. Even if you’re making a complete mess of your life, a decent person tries to do what they can and then backs off.

This kind of help doesn’t make anything better. Usually, it leaves you with nothing but unmet expectations. The person gets angry and judges you for not thinking exactly how they would. You might spend twice as much time and effort trying to deprogram yourself from their logic.

Help that drags everything out.

They want to contribute to a part of the project that’s done. Your timetable doesn’t matter. Neither do the hours you put in. They really think this restaurant would work better for the reception. Or you should go with that vendor, even though you have one already.

Sure, their Option B would destroy your budget, because it costs twice as much. But they know someone.

They can get a 5 percent friend discount.

And if you don’t let them help, they’re going to start calling you a control freak. You’re not a team player unless you let them show off their connections, their hidden talents, their special skills. But if they could deliver, they probably would’ve already. So at best you wind up waiting on this person to give you something comparable to the work you’ve already completed. Plus, you have to sound grateful afterward.

Help that’s not even remotely qualified.

They’ll design your website. Relax. They’ll take care of everything. You need to delegate more instead of doing everything yourself. So you give them a shot, and three months later they come to your office and rant about how overwhelmed they’re feeling.

You find out they’ve never heard of Wix. They’ve been trying to teach themselves HTML for the past four years.

This is the kind of help that needs you to show them how to do everything. Actually, they’re not really helping you. You’re helping them. They’ve just managed to flip the camera mode.

Now you understand. Here’s someone trying to turn their hobby into a career, and you’ve become their lab rat. While you’ve been patiently waiting, they’ve been telling everyone they’re building a new website for your department. And it’s going to look awesome.

So no website. But they’ve made business cards. Want one?

Help that flakes at the last minute.

They’ll help, but then they don’t. Something comes up and they have to back out. Also, meet their cousin — help that shows up late. Sometimes so late that you’ve already done their job for them.

But it was so nice of them to almost help.

This category also contains the kind of help that suddenly starts to get really picky. They can’t do this, or that, or that. Basically, they want to do the easiest parts of your project. This way, they get credit for helping — for the least amount of effort.

You still have to do all the grunt work. In essence, this kind of help saves you no time at all.

It’s help that still wants you to do everything. Like the other kinds, this one loves to guilt-trip you for turning down their help. They’ll say something like, “Why won’t you let me help you?”

Help that makes the other person feel good.

A certain kind of person loves to make promises. They think they have every intention of following through. But they don’t. And yet, they keep making the same offers, because it makes them feel important.

They’ll make a huge deal out of the favors they can do you. When you accept the offer, nothing happens.

Sure, let them off the hook. There’s nothing worse than waiting around on a favor that will never come through. Next time they offer help, pretend to say yes. But don’t stake anything on them.

How to deal with fake help.

You have to learn linguistic Jujitsu. First, maybe you need to stop publicizing how much work you do. Even if it’s true, talking about it only attracts fake help. So pretend like you’ve got everything under control.

Odds are, you can solve your own problems. I’ve done that a lot this year. If I have too much work, I find a way to make it less. Or I find someone else to do it completely. That way, they’re not really helping me anymore. They’re just pulling their weight.

You don’t owe someone for simply doing a fair share of the company’s work. That’s not help. It’s called a job.

It’s okay to say no when someone offers help. You’re not a control freak if you’re the one actually responsible for the end product. It’s okay to have a specific vision for how things should happen. If you already suspect someone won’t be able to help, then don’t give in.

Say, “I’ll think about it and get back to you.” That allows them to save some face. It’s a lot better than the alternative, “Your idea of help would probably set something on fire.”

Give them fake jobs. Things that aren’t central to your project, but would be a nice addition. The icing on the cake. Fake help loves these kinds of tasks. Everyone wins.

Help that actually works as advertised.

They don’t need to take over command. They don’t criticize or judge. They just happen to know some tips or tricks. Or they really do have a connection, or some kind of skill you need.

They might even ask for compensation, but not that much. Buy them a beer. Treat them to lunch. Pay them a couple hundred bucks.

They’re clear up front about why they’re helping you, and what they want in return — if anything.

They actually listen to what you need. They run things by you before doing them. And if everything actually becomes too much extra work, they’ll find a stopping place and back out with grace.

Most importantly, real help doesn’t stand around waiting for a special thanks. And it has the unmistakable effect of actually making your life easier. You don’t have to show them how to do anything. You don’t feel like you have to look over their shoulder. It’s like dropping off some dry-cleaning. You give them part of the project. They tell you when they’ll have it ready. And then it magically becomes true.

So much fake help out there does the opposite. Real help performs as promised, and then they leave you alone if that’s what you need. This kind of help doesn’t come around that often. So when it does, you should probably say thanks and buy them a beer — even if they don’t ask.