The 5 Types of Fake Friends to Avoid

The phone rings and you glance down to see who’s calling. Without thinking, you hit decline.

It’s that friend.

You know you should answer, but you can’t put a finger on why you don’t want to talk to them. You’ve already declined three of their calls this week and tell yourself you’ll “get back to them later.”

Maybe it’s time to stop deluding yourself and admit you have a fake friend. Let’s meet our candidates and learn how to course correct.

Meet Brutus, Paris, Lestat, the Stage 3 Clinger, and Kanye plus how to tell them apart from REAL friends.

Brutus is most notably remembered for his part in the assassination of fellow friend and Roman ruler, Julius Caesar. “Et tu, Brute? (and you, Brutus?)” has become a catchphrase from one of the most memorable lines in the William Shakespeare play depicting the event. People utter the sentence when betrayed or stabbed in the back by a friend to express their dismay. If you’ve lived long enough on this planet, you’ll experience a “Brutus” in your life as well.

The best way to spot a Brutus is if they gossip about or demean mutual friends. If they’re talking smack about others, they’re definitely talking trash behind your back. While it’s easy to say a true friend will have your back, friendships also require two people being willing to have hard conversations that sometimes lead to hurt feelings. If your friends always agree with you or crappy decisions you’ve made, you’ve surrounded yourself with a coalition of cowards that aren’t real friends. They’re just telling you what you want to hear. Instead, a good friend will tell you the hard truth to bleed the poison that’s killing you.

Lesson Learned: A real friend stabs you in the chest, not the back.

Paris Hilton

That dude’s face tho… it’s how you feel | Wikimedia

In 2010, celebrity Paris Hilton was arrested for felony drug possession. When pulled over by police, a white bag full of cocaine fell out of her purse. When asked what was in the bag, she explained to the officer she assumed it was chewing gum. She then said the purse wasn’t even hers. She borrowed it from a friend. Anyone with a lick on sense can tell cocaine from chewing gum, but fake friends will give you equally absurd excuses. They can’t hang out because their pet velociraptor died. When they were late or hurt your feelings, they explain how difficult their week was and how you need to cut them some slack.

A few years ago, a friend of mine rushed into a toxic relationship and quickly married his love interest. Instead of saying anything, I took the role of Brutus and figured, “Well, he seems happy. Who am I to say something?” His relationships ended in a painful divorce after two months. When he asked friends why they said nothing there were a lot of the those old cliche excuses — “You looked so happy!” or “You would have hated me if I said something.”

Realizing my error, I apologized. I let him know I was a coward and a bad friend. I should have spoke up and promised to do so from now on. Fake friends, though, won’t own their junk when they blow it. They’ll have a reason why it was your fault or an escape plan out of the conversation.

Lesson Learned: Fake friends don’t apologize. They make excuses.

The Vampire Lestat

Did we all forget Tom Cruise in this little gem? | Screen cap from Interview with the Vampire

In Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles (and a few subsequent movies) we’re introduced to a charming vampire named Lestat. The trademarks of his personality are charisma and self-absorption that earns him the moniker, The Brat Prince, which he fondly embraces. Besides his character and demeanor there’s also the obvious: He’s a vampire. Lest we forget, charisma means nothing when one must drain their victims life blood.

The fake friend, Lestat, is one people encounter the most and there seems to be one in every friend group. The relationship starts off innocent enough. They’re charming and persuasive. But they’re also self-absorbed. Over time, everything revolves around drama in Lestat’s life and if they’re not happy, no one’s happy. You know the type. They can walk into a lively party and absolutely snuff the life out of it. Being around your friend, Lestat, is a chore that drains you.

A real friend, however, is life-giving. The time spent with them is encouraging and enriching. Even when there’s conflict, you both grow healthier. The differentiator is that with your old pal, Lestat the relationship is a give-take, whereas a healthy friendship has an equal ratio of give-give.

Lessons Learned: A real friend is life giving to be around, not soul sucking.

The Stage Three Clinger

Your phone buzzes with a text that reads, “Dude, how come we never hang out anymore?” and your stomach clenches. Ironically, you met up with them the other week, but in the case of the Stage Three Clinger, every hour wouldn’t be enough. If you go out with other friends and they see it on social media, they pout about how they weren’t invited. Other times they blow up your phone with repeated texts or phone calls and get upset when you don’t respond right away… cause you’re at work or school. Like a normal person.

Everything about this relationship feels clingy. They make you feel guilty for not hanging out enough, but there’s a reason you stopped calling them. The reality is, the Stage Three Clinger is discontent with their life, so they live vicariously through other people. Similar to Lestat, it becomes a chore to spend time or interact with them.

When a friendship is healthy, however, friends give each other space. A few of my best friends and I won’t speak to one another for a month (we live in different states) but when we hop on the phone or meet up in person, it’s as if no time passed. We left off right where we started.

Lesson Learned: Real friends give you space. Fake friends are clingy and make you feel guilty for not interacting on their terms.

Kanye West

‘Ol Yeezy is best remembered for rushing the stage during the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards and snatching the mic from Taylor Swift only to declare:

“Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you, and imma let you finish, but Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time!”

Then Kanye shrugged and walked off the stage leaving a baffled Taylor Swift and the audience to wonder what in the hell just happened.

People found the stunt disrespectful and rightly so. Kanye made the moment about his thoughts and opinions. It didn’t matter whether people thought Taylor deserved the award or even if Beyonce had a better album. Instead, the moment revolved around Kanye’s opinions and need to rush the stage as opposed to letting the other celebrity relish her win. If you have a friend similar to Kanye, chances are the relationship revolves around their needs, wants, and opinions.

When dealing with a Kanye, the entire relationship revolves around their orbit. They’re the Sun, and everyone else revolves around them as the center of attention. It won’t matter if you had a rough day — their day was worse. Something awesome happened in your life? They met Hugh Jackman in an elevator. You’re excited about a guy or girl you’re going on a date with? They’ll inform you how their last romantic escapade was a joke and there’s nothing left in the dating pool but piranhas.

Years ago, a friend complained that no one in a mutual group of friends reached out to him. He claimed they were crappy friends, and it was their responsibility — as friends — to make him feel welcomed and loved. So I simply asked, “Okay. Who have youreached out to though?” He didn’t have a response.

The simple fact of the matter is that real friends take time to invest into a relationship. They’re excited about your life and mini victories. They’ll mourn with you when times get tough. They share mutual interests and respect boundaries. Friendships aren’t about what they get from it, but instead what they add to it.

Lesson Learned: Fake friends make the relationship about their needs, not what they bring to it.

What To Do When You Spot a Fake Friend

I once heard a speaker remark:

”A lot of the world’s problems could be solved by who we marry, and who we choose to be friends with.”

Scientific studies already show you are the friends you keep. So if they’re backstabbers, clingy, and needy there’s a good chance you’re headed toward becoming that friend to someone else.

The most loving thing you can do is politely point out how the relationship is toxic and give them tangible examples. Then you must set boundaries (i.e. “If you can’t stop gossiping about others, then I’m afraid we can’t hang out”). Stick to your guns. Part of why they keep acting they way they do is that they’ve never had someone call them out or keep a boundary in place. If they’ve never experienced consequences for their actions, why would they think anything is wrong in the first place?

While that sounds scary, remember that a coward will always sing your praises, but a true friend will confront you when they see actions harmful to you or others.

Don’t be a Brutus. Don’t make excuses. And don’t look to a friendship for the sole sake of what you can get out of it.

Instead, be the type of friend you’d want to have too.