What to Do When You Feel Lonely in a Crowd

Something that’s too often misunderstood about loneliness: It’s not the same as being alone

It’s an unsettling sensation: You’re at a party, surrounded by people you know, chatting away — and somehow, in the middle of all those people, you realize that you still feel strangely alone.

Loneliness, you may have heard, is now a full-on epidemic. In one recent, widely covered survey, nearly half of Americans reported that they were sometimes or always lonely; a separate, smaller study found that three-quarters of participants had moderate to high levels of loneliness. Researchers have pointed to everything from social media to lack of work-life balance as the cause, but regardless of what’s fueling this decline in social connections, there’s one thing about loneliness that’s too often misunderstood: Being lonely is not the same as being alone.

“People who have a romantic partner, lots of friends… and socialize all the time, can still feel lonely if they feel like their connections with other people aren’t really meaningful or satisfying,” says psychologist Bella DePaulo, author of How We Live Now and Singled Out. Loneliness isn’t defined by the number of people in your life; instead, it’s the distance between what you want out of your relationships and what you’re getting.

So it’s absolutely possible to be lonely in a room full of people — even people you know, and even people you know well — if you’re not getting the kind of interaction you crave. If that sounds familiar, here are some small adjustments that can make a big difference.

Make small talk

Some people are naturally more susceptible to loneliness than others. “Your neurological wiring for connection with people can be weak genetically,” explains psychiatrist Dr. Amy Banks, senior research scientist at the Jean Baker Miller Training Institute and the Wellesley Centers for Women.

But even if your body is steering you further into loneliness, it also contains a way to ease it. Banks points to the vagus nerve, the longest cranial nerve in the body, which helps regulate social interaction by stimulating your fight-or-flight response and, on the other end of the spectrum, signaling when it’s okay to relax. Doctors have used vagus nerve stimulation to treat everything from depression to cluster headaches.

You can DIY your own low-level stimulation by forcing yourself to have quick, non-threatening conversations throughout the day. So make small talk with your barista, the cashier at the grocery store, anyone you encounter who seems receptive — that part is key. It might seem silly that these surface-level chats could help mitigate loneliness, but think of them as stretching a muscle: not the same as a full workout, but beneficial nonetheless. “Just some [minor] interaction, the voice, the eye contact — all of that stimulates your smart vagus, which makes you feel calmer, like you’re a part of something,” Banks says. “When you’re lonely, you go inward, and just stretching that little bit can kick-start a process that helps you feel better.”

Find a state of flow

To fight off loneliness and get out of your own head, DePaulo recommends, somewhat counterintuitively, allowing yourself to get lost in your thoughts — as long as your thoughts are focused on the right thing. “Do something you find totally engaging,” she says, to the point that you lose track of time. Maybe you’re lucky enough to have a job that puts you in this state of flow, but if not, find another activity that does.

That activity doesn’t have to be mentally engaging or intellectually rigorous. Maybe it’s reading, running, or cleaning. If you’re truly immersed in what you’re doing, no matter what it is, you won’t have the mental space to be consumed by loneliness.

Take inventory of your relationships

Banks suggests taking a critical eye to your relationships, individually and as a whole, to determine what may be missing, as well as which bonds could be strengthened. “See which ones could grow in terms of intimacy,” she says. If there are people on your list who you rarely see but you genuinely value and feel connected to, prioritize them more. Set a goal to call those people once a week, or set a standing monthly dinner date.

There may also be some weaker relationships on there that you feel just aren’t worth the effort. Maybe they’re people who aren’t adding value to your life, or people you always walk away from feeling depleted. In those cases, trimming relationships out of your life can actually help with loneliness. You’ll have more room to focus on the ones that truly bring you happiness, and you won’t be so stressed wondering why these lesser ones aren’t giving you what you need.

Refine your social media use

Social media absorbs a lot of the blame in discussions about loneliness, perhaps unfairly so. It’s not that social media is inherently isolating, Banks says; it’s a tool, and its effects depend on how it’s wielded. “We can use it in pro-social ways, or in antisocial ways,” she says.

Is the amount of time you’re spending on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter each day helping you feel more connected to the people in your life, and the world at large? Or is it detracting from the close, one-on-one personal interactions you can only find off-line? These are questions you’ll need to answer for yourself. If it’s the latter, you might want to try giving yourself prescribed daily limits to help you focus on staying more present with the people around you. If it’s the former, though, lean into it, and double down on using these platforms to maintain your bonds.

There are other ways to use the internet to your advantage here, too: The proliferation of Meetups and online support groups and social clubs means we’ve never had more resources for finding and connecting with like-minded people. “We’re pack animals — it’s important for us to be with our people, to find our tribe,” says Banks.

If you’re lonely, use all the tools at your disposal to help you not only find your tribe, but build meaningful relationships within it.