Thinking we’re always right only limits us
“The secret to being wrong isn’t to avoid being wrong! The secret is being willing to be wrong. The secret is realizing that wrong isn’t fatal.”
― Seth Godin,
I’m sure you’ve had a variant of this argument before:
Person A: This is right.
Person B: No, I’m sure it’s not. I think it’s this.
Person A: No, you’re wrong. I am absolutely right.
Person B: But…I’m pretty sure you’re not…
Person A: Why aren’t you listening to me? I’m right!
Google: Person B is correct.
Person A: Well…that’s stupid. That can’t be right.
Person B: Yeah…I thought it was that.
Person A: UGH WHATEVER. Who cares anyway? I’m still pretty much right.
Person B: …
If you’re Person B, depending on what mood you’re in this will either descend into a huge fight or you’ll close your mouth, take a deep breath and change the subject.
If you’re Person A, maybe you need this article more than Person B.
But the truth is, we’ve all been both at some point. We like our convictions, we like our version of things. Because if we can’t be sure about what we know, then we feel like we don’t know all that much. It’s far nicer to assume we’re right just so we feel smart.
On being wrong
Google has added further contention into the above argument. And you can see it when you’re talking to someone who is adamant they’re right, even though you’re pretty sure they’re not.
The moment you reach for your phone they get very ancy. Because they know, deep down, that they actually don’t know. They’re aware that the ‘knowledge’ they’re defending is actually untraceable in their memory. Did they read it somewhere? Did Dave’s aunt’s friend of a friend mention it several degrees of separation ago?
And when these people are proved wrong, they dismiss it. They find a way to make it look like it’s not them who are wrong. Or they’ll turn it on you, telling you you’re being argumentative for the sake of it.
What they won’t do is say, ‘oh! Wow, I got it totally wrong. Huh, that’s cool that I now know what the right answer is. Thanks!’
They’re so desperate to be right, even when they’re just guessing, that to admit they were wrong when they were so aggressive in their convictions would be to lose face.
But…ironically…they’re wrong.
No one judges you for being mistaken
No one cares if you’re mistaken. No one cares if you’ve believed one thing for decades and suddenly it turns out to be false.
That’s not what will make them lose respect for you. Because guess what? No one knows everything. They certainly don’t either.
What will make them lose respect for you is when you relentlessly defend your shoddy, half-baked knowledge instead of saying, ‘I’m not sure, but I’ve always thought it was this…’
They lose respect when you want to be right so much, you’ll ignore any evidence to the contrary. When you turn it around on them if it looks like you’re about to be proven wrong.
You are judged on how you deal with your mistakenness, not the mistakenness itself.
And I get it. It’s painful. It’s painful to realise that you’ve been defending an idea when actually you can’t even remember where you heard it in the first place. When the proof comes out, it’s hard to admit you were wrong.
But you know what happens when you say, ‘oh, I was wrong! You were totally right!’
There is no judgment. You can laugh and be happy that you’ve gained new knowledge. And the other person will feel pleased too, because their knowledge was sound. And they know that if the roles were reversed, they’d be able to admit they were wrong too, because you just did and it all turned out fine.
(Of course there’s a variant of ‘right’ person too, who might come back with, ‘I told you so,’ in which case they need to go back to Communication 101 as well)
Admitting we’re wrong sets us free
When we tie our convictions to incorrect knowledge, we’re massively limiting ourselves. We’re deliberately preventing ourselves from learning what the right answer actually is.
We’d prefer to believe we are right than actually know what is right.
- We’re free to learn
People ask me the definitions of words all the time. I think it’s a result of being a writer. It’s assumed you know the definition of every word.
And the thing is, my vocabulary is excellent. Of course it is, I’ve spent my whole life reading every book I possibly can, I’ve written professionally for nine years and I do love a dictionary.
But a lot of unusual words I get asked about, I’ve learnt the meaning of via context. So I know broadly what they mean, but I don’t necessarily know the definition.
And I certainly don’t want to give them an incorrect meaning that they might carry with them, utterly believing, until someone more knowledgable than me hears them use the word incorrectly.
So I do this:
‘Oh that word? Well…It kind of means [insert meaning here] so you’d use it like [insert example]. But actually, I’ve never looked it up so let me just check.’ — cue the Oxford Dictionary.
Often I surprise myself by being pretty spot on (that’s what context does for you) but sometimes I either find out that I’m totally wrong or at least unaware of the full meaning of the word.
We both learn the proper meaning.
I don’t think I’ve always done this. In my younger years I probably would’ve been so flattered to have been asked that I would’ve given what I thought it meant and passed it off as set in stone — without being sure at all.
And that helps no one. It might make me sound like I know what I’m talking about, but that would only last until they looked it up themselves or came across it in a different context.
I say I don’t know a lot more than I used to. And it’s so relaxing. I wrote about it here:The Gift of ‘I Don’t Know’
Stop worrying and start being honesttheascent.pub
- We’re free to be respectful
When you admit you’re wrong about something, you’re being respectful to the person who is right or who has pointed out your mistake If you dismiss their correctness, you are being disrespectful.
And disrespect has got to be one of the biggest reasons relationships of all kinds break down.
- We’re free to be curious
You can’t be curious if you think you know everything. If you think you know more than the people you’re with. You might know much more than them on a particular topic, but you still don’t know everything. And they could well have interesting new angles on your subject.
- We’re free to make others feel good
Nobody likes a know-it-all. And the reason often isn’t because we’re jealous of their knowledge. It’s because a know-it-all doesn’t actually know it all. And the arrogance is exhausting.
When you say, ‘hey, I didn’t know that! I thought it was this other thing. Thanks, that’s so cool you knew that,’ the other person feels good. And why shouldn’t they? It’s nice to be recognised for hard-earned knowledge.
- We’re free from the ego of it all
It’s ego that makes us embarrassed to be wrong. We think by admitting that we’re wrong or that we don’t know, we’ll be thought less of. Inferior. Stupid.
But…ah ha…that’s wrong!
You’ll be more respected for saying you’re not sure, admitting you’re wrong and saying you don’t know. People will feel more at ease with you because you won’t be hard work to talk to and they know they can be safe to admit they’re wrong too.
It’s give and take. It’s honesty and openness.
We’re all a bit wrong all the time
When you appreciate that knowledge is flexible and is something to be built upon and added to — you are free.
When you cling to your convictions in the face of all evidence because you cannot stand the idea of being proven wrong — you are trapped.
We live in an era of…oh god…fake news…and so it’s more important than ever to have a healthy dose of skepticism when it comes to ‘knowledge’. Where did we get that information from that we’re so sure of? Is it real? Is it bullshit? Did Aunt Mavis tell you after reading The Daily Mail?
If you really struggle to admit you’re wrong even when you know you should, here’s a simple step to make it a whole lot easier:
Say, ‘I think it’s…’
or,
‘I’m not totally sure but…’
These phrases automatically open up your mind to the possibility that you might be wrong. And then your natural curiosity kicks in and you’re inspired to start fact checking. It works like a charm.
So let’s all be wrong. Let’s celebrate the incredible gift we have of being able to look things up. Let’s celebrate our ability to keep learning. Let’s hold our hands up when we make a mistake. When we said something as fact when it was actually untrue.
No judgment required.
All Rights Reserved for Kitiara Pascoe
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