Telling People Off Doesn’t Work

Try almost any other approach to get what you want.

Maybe someone threatened to fire you one time. It kindles a certain rebellious flame in your chest, doesn’t it? Even if you were doing your job like an angel, you kinda wanted to start screwing up.

You considered doing so on purpose. Just to regain your agency. Or maybe you suddenly felt like slacking off.

Clearly, your boss didn’t value your contributions.

So why bother?

In college I worked at a little Bohemian dive bar where the owner accused his servers of doing drugs in the bathroom. Having sex in the kitchen. And (gasp) under-reporting tips. True, a couple of us did. But that actually brought in more clientele. So what was he complaining about?

Anyway, he threatened to fire me for allegedly stealing liquor. Said if he caught me again, I’d be sorry. Except, as I pointed out, he actually hadn’t caught me? Showed him my empty bag…

So my boss changed his approach. Started talking about how — if he ever did catch me — I’d be fired.

That’s when I went ahead and told him about my new job. Today was my two weeks’ notice. Funny how his eyebrows went up and his mouth popped open. Suddenly he was going to miss me. Was there anything he could do to make me stay? I shrugged. Not accusing your servers of stealing stuff would probably help with that. But once you tell someone off, you can’t exactly untell them off. Doesn’t work like that.

Telling someone off always feels great at first. You sure did a number on that person. Bet they’ll think twice before crossing you again. Except… Soon the fallout drifts back from the nuke you just launched. That’s when you realize. You didn’t win anything.

You got radiation poisoning from your own nuke.

All you did was piss them off. You’ve turned a potential ally into an enemy. Or worse, you’ve transformed an incompetent person into a petty and vindictive one. Congrats. You’re such a force to reckon with.

Nobody wants to work with someone who’s just told them off. Not even if it’s their job. They’ll take as long as humanly possible to get anything done now. That’s the typical end result.

Hardly anyone responds well to someone trying to shame or humiliate them. Even if you’re in the right. Even if they really did screw up. Scratch that. Especially if they screwed up. The least likely people to alter their behavior are the very ones who don’t care about their jobs in the first place. If they don’t care about getting fired, and you can’t fire them yourself, then a guilt trip probably won’t work. Just make things worse.

You can’t shame someone without a conscience or sense of responsibility. You need leverage. Save your energy for finding some.

If you have that, you don’t need to tell anyone off. Look at those with real power and authority. They never lose their cool.

What does leverage look like? It’s the stuff you do for other people that they take for granted. It might be your reputation. Your publication record. The grants or clients you bring in.

Someone with leverage doesn’t need to grandstand. They just say, “You promised me X. But you’re not doing it. If that doesn’t change, then I’ll have to stop doing Y. Nothing personal.” So short, so sweet, so cool. Leverage feels even better than telling someone off.

Used sparingly, it works a lot better.

Flip the script. Imagine someone telling you off. Usually, it signals that they don’t have any actual leverage with you. They’re just billowing because it’s the only thing they can do.

The calm person always has the most control, in any given situation. Even if that person is the server showing her boss an empty bag, to prove she actually didn’t steal his precious bottom shelf vodka.

One of our last big bosses loved telling people off. Did it ten times a week. Actually shouted during meetings. Made a habit of reminding everyone just how replaceable they were.

This big boss called me out a few times, too. Ironically for doing parts of my job I’d been hired for.

It was like waiting tables at a dive bar all over again. Except now I was wearing more expensive clothes.

Imagine what happened when the boss tried recruiting volunteers for service projects. Picture him on a desert island, throwing messages in bottles into an ocean of apathy. Except they were emails.

His attitude eventually bled onto some of the other bosses. Soon they were going around telling everyone off.

Finally, teachers and staff started telling off students. Why? Because it had become part of the culture. It was normal, even encouraged. One bad boss hurling nukes had turned an entire university toxic.

At long last, people started telling off the big boss. He left, but his legacy remains. Nobody wants to do their jobs. Just stand on a soapbox and complain about someone or something they don’t like.

Most of us fantasize about telling certain people — especially coworkers — what we really think about them. Why? Because we can’t. The forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest.

Also, it makes us feel powerful.

Nothing inflates our egos like doing something without regard for consequences and aftermath. Telling someone off is the ultimate version of that. Even if it’s a fiction. For a brief moment, we allow ourselves to forget our place and transcend to boss level. We sit on a temporary throne, eating forbidden fruit.

Forbidden… because it’s poisonous AF.

Also, this strategy can simply backfire. If you’re not the boss, and you try to tell someone off, then you might just get laughed at. The person in question might say, “Who does this person think they are?”

With that, you just undermined any authority you had.

Someone you tell off might not be your boss. But they still have power. The power to make your life hell.

Instead, chill out. Think about what’s making you angry. Maybe even write it down. Could be their attitude. Or they’re taking too long to do something. Your goal is to fix that problem. Not embarrass someone.

You don’t need to dominate someone to get them to do their job. There’s lots of other strategies. All of them aren’t nice.

Try being honest. You can do that without humiliating someone. Tell them the problem you’re having.

Explain why your thing matters. Maybe they actually don’t understand why you need X by Y time. Could explain they aren’t taking it seriously. Underscoring the bigger picture can help.

Outline the consequences. That’s different from making threats. You probably can’t really get someone else in trouble. Even if you can, it’s not a great use of your power. But you can explain that if X doesn’t happen, you’re all going to feel the burn. That approach tends to get people’s attention without making you out as the bad guy.

Put safeguards in place to keep someone from screwing up. Especially if they do it a lot. Human error might show you a problem with your system or framework — not an individual. Focus on fixing that.

You can nag literally anyone with polite reminders. If they snap at you, then you can report them to HR. You can say, “It takes Kate three weeks to process a simple form. I’ve been trying to help with the paperwork flow. Then she just went ballistic on me.” You’re in a much better position now. You tried to be reasonable. That didn’t work.

Don’t let anyone bug up your life with their own personal hangups. But do it smart. A protest of one doesn’t go over well in the workplace. Not if you’re trying to meet deadlines and stay employed.

We like to think a perfect combo of snarky words will somehow motivate a slacker to action. That might work if you actually possess the magical power of firing them. Even then, a boss who uses threats as their go to might wind up a leader in name only.

I’ve tried snark, and it only works when you’re commiserating with someone else. It tends to make your target angrier.

Your best hope is to be direct, but civil. That can also backfire, but it’s where I draw the line. I don’t sugarcoat my pills, but I don’t dip them in vinegar either. With me, the pill is just the pill.

Maybe it’s the same way with you. If so, then you already know better than to tell someone off. You’re either smarter than me, or you also tried that and wound up accidentally microwaving yourself.

The rush of telling someone off doesn’t last long. At best, it has no more impact than any other strategy. It’s a last resort, usually right before you give up. If your goal is to piss someone off, then you can just flip them the bird. Or you can sign off with, “You know what? I’m done.” That also feels satisfying, because it’s probably true. And not radioactive.